Ready To Surrender!

On May 27th, 2009 my husband, Leonard, and I will be celebrating our third anniversary. Six months into our marriage we decided to toss out the birth control and trust the Lord to give us a baby when the time was right. In my mind, I thought I would be pregnant in the next couple of months. For Leonard, sooner or later wasn't an issue. He knew he wanted to someday be a father but wasn't in any rush to have a baby. I went into each month thinking "Maybe this will be the month!" Time passed and still nothing. Over time I watched several women that I know get pregnant and have a baby. Some of them were unmarried girls. I thought to myself..."Here I am, a married woman, with a loving husband and she's not even married! I deserve to be a mother, not her!" And there were a couple of friends who were married but not trying to have a baby. I thought to myself..."Why? Why does she get something that my heart aches for? I deserve to be a mother, not her!" I was very bitter. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. SO after a year of trying I had some basic testing done and everything seems to be normal. I really struggled with the thought of "What if I can't have a baby?" I have known for a very long time that I am meant to be a mother. I have a love for children inside of me that is so strong. I've just been very impatience and it has really caused some emotional downs for me. Well, I am finally ready to surrender! Over the past week the Lord has given me a peace about the whole situation. I'm not sure what changed, but I am finally accepting the idea that maybe God wants to use my passion for children in areas other than motherhood. I know someday I will be a mother, whether it is having my own or adopting, but if now is not the time I am okay with that. I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders now that I have come to a point where I can just completely trust God and let go. It's amazing how great it feels to be able to say with an honest heart "Here I am Lord! Take me where you want me! Use me for Your Glory!" So, coming to this point means two things. #1)For my best friend... If you read this, I am ready to be excited for you and the 2nd baby on the way! I'm sorry I wasn't when you first told me. I am happy for you and I'm sure I will love this one as much as I love your first baby! And if it's a girl, I still think you should name her Kristin! LOL! I love you and I'm looking forward to you coming back home later in the year so I can give you a baby shower before your little one arrives. #2) All of this changes my job situation. Let me explain... When I first started trying to get pregnant I was working for Thompson and Knight,LLP. The plan was to get pregnant, work through the pregnancy, and the quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom. When I lost my job at T&K, I decided to get a job doing something I would enjoy until I could get pregnant and then I would quit and stay home. Well, I got a job in childcare working at the Primrose School in Valley Ranch. I love my job and I think it has been a blessing for me. During a time when all I wanted was a child of my own, I was able to take care of lots of little ones all day long every day. Not to mention the fact that I have learned so much about babies and toddlers that will someday help me as a mother. I will go into motherhood being two steps ahead because of what I have experienced in my job. The problem is that I never intended for this to be a permanent job. It was only to have a job until I got pregnant. Since that hasn't happened yet, and I am now accepting the fact that it might not happen for a while, I feel differently about my job. I want more. I think there are greater things I could be doing with myself. So right now I am praying for guidance. I have this feeling that God is leading me somewhere else. I am considering the possibility of going back to school. It's a fresh idea, and definitely something I am going to be praying over for a while. If I do decide to do this it will be Fall of 2010. I have an idea as to what I want to do and where I want to go but I'm not going to say just yet. Before that can happen anyway we are going to spend this year paying off some of our existing dept and I am going to take the state exam to get my massage license. So we will see how things go! I am excited to see what God has in store for my life over the next year!