Continually Surrendering...When problems come your way!

Wow, it had been quit a while since I have posted anything. So, in my life right now, things could be better, but Leonard and I are doing okay. Just taking life one day at a time. Most anyone who knows me knows that I have been wanting to have a baby for a long time now. One of my last posts was called "Ready to Surrender" and was about how I have finally surrendered that area of my life to the Lord. Well, since then, a few events have taken place that have really challenged me to continue to surrender on a daily basis. It can be so hard not to pick up the feelings that I had before. I never lost the desire to be a mother. I just decided to trust God with that part of my life and let Him take care of everything so that I don't have to worry about it. The anxiety and anxiousness, and impatience, and jealousy, and hurt...I feel all of these things and more when I begin to worry about having a child and when that will happen for us. I thought I was done with all of that, but it's so easy to just pick it all up again, esp. with current circumstances. So you are probably wondering by now what happened. (the following is personal... if you don't want TMI you may want to stop reading here.)

So it all started in mid June. I had a really bad tooth ache (I have terrible teeth, but that's another story!) I was in severe pain and wanted to take a heavy pain killer so I could sleep that night. Since I had been having some abnormal symptoms and had not had a period in over a month, I thought I should take a pregnancy test just to be safe. So I did, and surprise! I got a positive on 2 tests. I was thrilled! I thought it was a perfect time and all of the feelings of wanting to be a mom immediately surfaced. I could not believe it! So I didn't take the pain killer after all. I called the next day and was excited when I found out there was an appointment open that day. Usually you have to wait at least a week when you book an appointment. It was a Friday no I really wanted to confirm with my doctor before the weekend. So we went in and the urine test at the doctor's test was negative. My OBGYN told me that sometimes urine tests are not accurate, but that blood work would not lie. So she put in an order for a blood test. The way it works is by taking blood twice two days apart. Then they measure the amount of the pregnancy hormone that is in your blood. It doubles every two days once you become pregnant so by comparing the two samples of blood they would be able to determined whether or not I was pregnant. So Monday comes and I went in to have the second blood sample taken. I would have to wait a couple of days for the results. That night, not knowing if I was pregnant or not, I started bleeding. We just assumed that I had not been pregnant after all. That night I was awake all night long. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die! Seriously! I was having very heavy bleeding and very severe cramping. So the next morning we called the doctor. Leonard had to call four or five times before they put him through to the nurse. She called my OBGYN who was in surgery at the hospital to let her know what was going on. She said we wanted to see me immediately. So we had to go to the ER at the hospital. We checked in and then she came down to see us, which is when she told me the results to my blood test were negative. That was somewhat of a relief because I would have been really upset if it would have been a miscarriage. So she gave me some drugs to slow the bleeding and some for the pain. That was on June 16th.

I was supposed to take the meds for all of that week and come beck for a follow up the following week. Well, I wasn't able to get off work and go for the follow up that next week. I was doing fine so I thought I was okay. Then, on the week of July 1st, the cramping and bleeding started again. So we went in and she examined me and did some blood work. The results to the blood tests were normal. She scheduled an ultrasound to check me out which I am having done this week on Thursday. Hopefully that will tell something. It's obviously not normal for me to be bleeding so much. I just want to know what is wrong with me so we can get it fixed. I don't want to take any chances because if something major goes wrong with your reproductive system they take it out and I do not want a hysterectomy! I want to be able to have children!

So as you can see we have had some tough times over the past month. At this point, I will be glad if we find out that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am definitely able to get pregnant. And if there is something wrong, we will deal with it. Whether it be our own child or by adopting, I feel that it is definitely in the Lord's will that Leonard and I be parents some day! I know that the Lord will not send anything our way that we cannot handle with His help! And if I do have something wrong, please remind me that I said that after I find out! Life isn't always easy...Praise the Lord! I am so blessed to be serving an amazing God who gave his son for me, so that I might have a relationship with Him, and it is Him who will pick me up and carry me through the tough times when I am just too weak to walk on my own!